zero sum game

My neighbor, the one who just moved in, banged on my front door earlier tonight. I could hear him outside on my porch grumbling and drunkenly cursing my name. Here's what happened when I opened the door:

Harry Dean Stanton: (drunk) Sabitathica?
Sabitathica: Yeah?
HDS: Harry Dean Stanton.
Sabitathica: Yeah, I know. We've met. What's up.
HDS: (very drunk) Do I know you from somewhere?
Sabitathica: No. You mean before you moved in? No. No you don't.
HDS: I'm gonna be straight with you.
Sabitathica: (pause) Okay.
HDS: (slurring and agitated) See, I don't want to cause a fuss. But... your mail is your mail and my mail is my mail. And, the thing is though, you've got mail in your mailbox from two days ago. Okay? I'm not reading your mail though, alright? I don't do that. But I happened to notice you've got checks in there. And they've been in there for two days now.
Sabitathica: Mm hmm.
HDS: So...
Sabitathica: (pause) So...?
HDS: Is your gas bill expensive?
Sabitathica: Yes it is, very.
HDS: Well, okay because I think I've been paying for your gas. I think there's been some kinda mixup and I'm paying for your bill. And I think you owe me two hundred dollars.
Sabitathica: Yeah, I doubt it.
HDS: Hey, I can get you free cable if you want.
Sabitathica: What?
HDS: I can get you free cable.
Sabitathica: I can't understand what you're saying.
HDS: I can get you free cable if you want it.
Sabitathica: Oh, right. No thanks. I don't have a lot of time for tv. Thanks though.
HDS: Are we loud back there?
Sabitathica: Yeah sometimes you are. But it's all good.
HDS: We never hear you, you're so quiet. Why are you so quiet?
Sabitathica: I'm not at home much these days.
HDS: Why aren't you home?
Sabitathica: Becau-
HDS: I know I shouldn't ask you that, I know. But there it is, I asked you. I know I'm not supposed to.
Sabitathica: Yeah, well it's okay, I don't mind. It's just that my schedule these days is fucki-
HDS: How much do you pay for gas?
Sabitathica: (sigh) A lot. I pay a lot. It's expensive.
HDS: Where does that door go?
Sabitathica: It goes to my bedroom.
HDS: That girl at the market was talking about you the other day.
Sabitathica: Mm hmm.
HDS: She likes you.
Sabitathica: Yeah. Listen, let's change the topic.
HDS: I've already had a six-pack today.
Sabitathica: Yeah, well it's still a little early for me.
HDS: Now listen. (pulls up shirt)
Sabitathica: What? What are you doing? Stop that. Don't take your shirt off.
HDS: See this scar?
Sabitathica: Oh god.
HDS: I'm not kidding. I've had two heart surgeries. Two. And I'm sixty years old.
Sabitathica: Pull your shirt down.
HDS: (pulls shirt back down) Do I know you from somewhere?
Sabitathica: No, I really don't think so.
HDS: My mother's funeral?
Sabitathica: Your mother's funeral. You think you know me from your mother's funeral? No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't there.
HDS: Are you sure? I remember there was a computer geek there.
Sabitathica: Yeah, well, I'm not really a computer geek.
HDS: Oh.

The handyman entered around then. He and I shook hands, then he took Harry Dean Stanton by the arm and led him away, back to the rear of the house.